Interests:cars (muscle cars, 60's vintage, some 70's), music (hard rock, heavy metal, grind, gore, what-thefuck-ever as long as IT HAS SOME BALLS) men... real men that talk like men, and don't want to organize my fucking closet. cats, horseback riding.. naturally world domination and the end to all existence.. did I forget I like roses too? :D Expertise:sarcasm, dry humor, the obvious, artistry, and poetry. Occupation:Computer related Industry:Business
This weekend was suppose to be mostly busy with volunteering at the nursing home, setting paperwork up for school, and preparing for my big dental procedure Tuesday where they are extracting two of my four wisdom teeth. Why do they call them "wisdom" teeth if you really aren't any wiser? Or is a "wisdom" tooth like something that "smarts"... I know it's going to smart shortly after the surgery. Apparently one of the wisdom teeth are impacted, so there's another scar! I'm not really that worried though because honestly I opted to be put to sleep so not only will I not feel a thing, but I won't be coherent for a good amount of time after the procedure. I know when I went for surgery in February and they put me under for the operation I was out of it for another four hours after. I honestly cannot recall getting dressed, or walking out to mom's car. I guess it's like being really drunk, without violent vomiting. :D
So I was suppose to be busy doing the right thing, and Tim and I planned a little thing of our own for Friday night. We had wanted to see the new <u>Indiana Jones</u> or <u>Hulk 2</u>, but by the time he got home from work (at 7pmish) all the earlier playings were done. Since he was headed to NYC bright and early Saturday morning (4am) it wasn't a good idea to go to the 10pm showings. The movie went out the door when neither of us wanted to get up early and be out late, I guess we are getting older. Instead of the movies we went to Sears to check out the tool sales, when I saw a stud finder I couldn't resist and said "I wonder how many blondes bought one of those to find a new boyfriend?" we also went shopping for kitty and puppy food, as well as food for ourselves, then we stopped at Applebees where I had the new "Quesdilla Cheeseburger" and he had the "Brewtus Burger" (which is 10oz of meat... YECK) we also both got drinks with our dinner. I tried an Applebeetini, which was ok, but it certainly wasn't worth nearly 7.00. I've decided if I eat out I'll stick to coffee or diet soda (I'll go blind before I pay 7.00 for a god damn drink) Bars don't even rape your wallet that hard where drinks are concerned.
The dinner was pleasant, we talked for the first time in a long time. It's amazing how you can live with someone and barely say two words to each other. Tim and I had a very hard couple of months where we nearly broke up about eight times. In fact since we moved in together in September 2007 we've had nothing but problems, up until about three weeks ago, we were constantly fighting, we couldn't agree on anything, and every argument no matter what the subject became an "I'm done with this, it's over" discussion where we'd both think about going our separate ways. We both noticed the distance between each other, a rift was growing between us. It's like we became two different people. I know I was different, I had different ideas, different approaches to life, I became less tolerant about everything, I was looking for an argument and I was unhappy. Tim was actually feeling similar, and neither of us brought it up to the other because naturally both of us were blaming this that and the other thing, and not the real problem. That's why this conversation we had over a simple dinner at a simple everyday restaurant was such a monumental one for us... For the first time in maybe a year... Maybe longer, I realized I love everything about Tim, and despite his short comings and some of his poor choices I adore the fact that I know he is absolutely in love with me, and I want him to know every day for the rest of my life that I am just as crazy about him. I find joy in making him smile, and I love the way he does a silent laugh at some of the things I say. He smiles when I say certain things and deep down I know he's thinking "that's my girl" it's amazing how I was letting all of these simple things go because I was so stuck on the fact that I don't see certain progression forward.
Also, I have started making myself small daily goals to stay on top of all the things that made me "me" that I've lost touch with. In example my goals are to work on at least one piece of artwork a day for at least five minutes... Though I prefer to finish one piece of art at least every few days, once a week at the minimal. I also have a goal to write at least seven poems a week. (I've mentioned some of this already in blogs :D) I also want to keep my website constantly updated, spend time with friends as much as I can fit in, get to know someone who lives near me who keeps telling me "we need to hang out", so many things I should have done a long time ago, but I just kept pushing things off. Especially when I was so busy with work... But I refuse to let work take everything away from me that is me, I will make time for my artwork, poetry, website, friends, and life. I am a lot happier now then I was when I was making a lot more money and saving it... Not to say I don't want to make more money, but I don't want to make more money by sacrificing my entire youth to working 60 - 70 hours a week like I was at one time. :p
Oh... and while conversing Tim mentioned how someone female calls him monthly to "touch base" (I won't say her name because I doubt she'd want this mentioned publicly despite the truth or validity of it) in any case... Tim mentioned how the last time she called him she told him her husband beats her. Personally if he does, shouldn't she be calling the cops and not him? And why is she still with him with TWO kids? The only other explanation is that she's saying it just to get attention hoping since her and him did have "something" a while ago that he'd come to her rescue and make her feel special or something... Either way, I'll never understand the things some people do.
General Info: With increased hits to my website, myspace, fotki, and deviant because of youtube and other things a lot of people have been bringing to my attention the lack of working links on my website. Let me be the first to say I know that many of the links are not working right now, they do not work - or are only loading source code - because when I transferred them from the old site at o-f.com for some reason the coding was lost in translation. I have been planning (for about three months) to sit down and go through page by page to correct the linking/loading errors, but as you see I haven't gotten that far. I have asked a few people, whom asked me first, if they wanted to take over management of the website... But finally someone is helping, thank you so much for your support John!
New Poems: Yes! I have written new poems, and I'm trying to sit down and write at least seven poems a week. I use to have goals set to write poems before and then I sort of lost ... touch, with poetry. But I feel that poetic spark coming back, like the artistic one... So I'm using it while it's there.
These Poems were Written May 11, 2008 title: EYES AT ME I must be dangerous to you A scary sight to see Visions lacking mercy Or the memorance of memory.
A burden on your past Sucking out your soul Biting down so hard You just can't keep control.
I know what you hide And all you try to deny The thing you truly are Covered by a scar.
I dig beneath your surface Scratching across your skin Finding your great mistakes As they surface from within.
Many think this is gibberish A rant lacking significance But you know who I see Reflecting in your eyes at me.
Title: WITH A KISS I kept holding on even through the pain Everyone says I'm a masochoist And for this outcome only I am to blame.
But I loved you then, and love you now And there is no fine print on this wall; So true I stand beside you through it all... I loved you And always will Who you are then Who you are still.
They'd never understand They cannot comprehend A love forever has no end. Though my strength is fleeting and my grip weak I see you slipping in my own defeat My knees begin to crumble This heart shall truly break But I cannot give up my love for you to take. Understand this is for us and for my sake.
I will always love you Have always loved you Who you were Who you are It is beyond them Why we cannot end And my love I continue to send.
My words seem as weak as my hold on you As I sit and say these things so true If only then I really decided I knew About the devil within me and you Would I still fight for this Or would I have parted with a kiss?
Title: VICES Shaking caffiene afliction Breathing smoke inhaled Addiction temporary satisfaction Needles pricking skin Diesised mortal sin Complications through action Dying lucky fraction Giving Up yourself Selling your soul Never In control.
New Pictures to Fotki Pics of Me You will find that "pictures of me" have changed. I made almost all of my pics private now, and only a select few public. I do however have a few new pics added. These pics are a concept about Romanticizing Marilyn... The beautiful actress who had the infamous wind up her skirt pic :D. You can see when you view the pics below how they can be called that. I also have a few other light and color pics that I believe came out well. My "Concepts Through People" folder is where they will be moved too, it is also a locked folder now. Join the yahoo group to get updates on the new password (this is just so I can moniter who is viewing my stuff.) click here to view my yahoo group To view the "Select Pics of Me" with new pics in it: click here To view "COncepts Through People" (password protected): click here
New "Babes Folder" EMILY PROCTOR: The beautiful babe from CSI: Miami that really knows her shiznit. Come on, you know you love her :p. Below are a select few pics of her... More in the folder listed below. To view "Emily Proctors" gallery on my Fotki: click here
New YouTube Videos My Abs: Below are two videos which focus on my abs, now that I've gotten them near where I want them to be. As a friend has said I've been "working out like a Spartan" the last few months, and I am pretty well pleased with the results. My youtube vids are just proof that I'm real, because dispite all of my "webcam/digital proof pics" people still question me. Plus, I love to dance.. I may not be the best dancer, but I find artistic joy in trying to find the movement to go with the lyrics.
Dancing to "Made of Scars: Because the idea that scars define us and give us character is one I embrace completely. :D Plus the band Stone Sour is one of my favorite bands... Corey Taylor is a god.
Dancing to "Fantasy": As requested. :D The song is by Ludacris.
Dancing to "Sexy Back": An awesome cover (better than the original) by Rivethead. ACI have other videos too, but I don't feel like posting them today. Also I decided to no longer use my DeadJournal blog as my main webpage anymore because... DeadJournal sucks and won't let me post certain codes :p. But I can live with that.
So Tim and I went to Rutland the other day to visit with a few friends who just had a baby. Tim was a lot more thrilled then I was. I did hold the baby, and I have to say it was wonderful to hold a little baby again, and the little boy was absolutely beautiful. However, as nice as it was I realize all the work and requirements that go with having a baby and I also know how hard that would be to fit into my life especially with the goals I have in mind (nursing school, and a career that eventually leads to RN at the Rutland hospital lol) however... He was going on and on about how much he wants one now. Granted he did say "Well I can wait but I really really want one." It seems the idea of having a child may not be priority in his life, however it certainly crosses his mind very often. I guess due to my past and history and what happened to me where babies are concerned I'm a bit jaded to the whole idea, and will not get into my many fears about having children... But, let's put it this way
I've learned my lesson. As much as I do want one more child, and I hope it's a son.... I can certainly wait until I am financially ready, and naturally MARRIAGE COMES FIRST. I have already told Tim if we should end up in a position where a baby came unexpected I'd better see a ring on my finger before the child is born, and if he will not marry me even then, then obviously he doesn't love me enough and we will just have to go our separate ways. I never use to believe in marriage, but I now understand the purpose of marriage is to keep everyone honest... :D
We ate at the 99 after and we ran into Erica, a girl I know, it was her birthday (she just turned 23) so it's a small world after all. :D
Just another video - my mother told me Toby Keith's "She's a hottie" or just "hottie" was my song, and I've been playing with movie maker so... Why the hell not? My dancing is pretty bad lol, but hey, you dance with a twisted ankle :p besides, it's about fun ;)
General Info: I am working on an "Art to do list", I had it started partially but am going to wait until I get all of the images collected for my art pieces before I actually post the list. I cannot find a few poems I wrote a couple of months ago that I had jotted down in my Sudoku book while I was working a close at Mobil, I swore I had the book in my car, however when I looked for it the other day since I had time to type them out I couldn't find it. I'm not sure if these are more poems to add to the "lost and gone forever" catagory... or if in due time they'll come back to me. :D I guess only time will tell that one. I've been really busy trying to keep new things coming, and am attempting to start fixing the links on my main website beautifullyhorrible.net. I am going to be renewing the domain name, and buying webspace through bravenet to remove all of the ad's... Without the ad's I won't have so many upset visitors, plus no one wants to constantly stare at pop ups and other crap.... Furthermore to get a domain without ad's is only a few dollars more a year, so why the hell not? I'm in a good mood, I might as well go with it. The sun has been out and I recently devloped what I can only call sun poisoning. If the condition doesn't clear up in another week I'll have to see a dermatologist, I have very sensitive and pale skin so it wouldn't be a surprise if the sun did serious damage to my skin. Especially since the "spring sun" is apparantly the worst sun to expose yourself too... And I did it for a week straight. :) I'm hoping everything follows course and clears up on it's own. My friend Katherine suggested benadryl, so I've been trying it. So far nothing's changed, but skin takes time to heal. New Section - Videos: I'm not big on youtube, and mostly watch music video's on it since people have directed it to me as of late. However my yahoo group doesn't have much storage and I have it pretty well full because of vid's and files at this point. So I decided to move all of my vid's, new and old, to youtube just so I can actually store old ones, and start doing some new ones. The quality seems a little lost through youtube sadly... I also have read some of the comments people leave for people and am amazed at how mean, cruel, and annoying people can be. I guess that's just the way society has to be, even in the "cyber world". Anyway, here are the video ads to youtube. Taken May 5th 2008 this is the newest vid from my digital camera, the rest are webcam.
Taken May 3, 2008 - This one I actually edited with moviemaker - it was fun. The song is HINDER - GET STONED
Taken May 1, 2008
New Art Folder Added to Fotki 2008 Art Finally Created (Now featuring Laura Prepon, Mira Sorvino, and Let the Bodies...) click here to view To view my "works in progress" webcam pics go here: click here to view folder
